Okay… so here goes…
Yes, sir, Mr. Cumberbatch sir.
* deep breath *
I have tried to write this blog post so many times now. I’m not even sure I would like to even try to gander a guess as to how many. But know this – it’s a lot. And, if I had been handwriting each one I probably would have gone through a whole ream of paper.
You see… writing this has been hard – scary even – and although I know it shouldn’t be – it is. You see… its one of these dreaded “update” posts that I am quickly becoming known for… the ones I hate to write because – quite frankly – I am scared as to how people will react.
I know I shouldn’t be, but as we all know I have done this before. And the last time I did, the reaction was less than stellar. The reaction was also very good too, but it isn’t funny how it’s the negative emotions that sit with you the heaviest.
The ones that effect you.
I would love to say that that is the sole reason I have had this wall about writing this post, and I guess in some way it is – but there is a much bigger reason too.
The subject matter is hard.
I started this year with a bang, with a positive outlook and a list of everything I wanted to accomplish as long as my arm. I was excited, I was ecstatic and I was ready to go. And then problems that I had been ignoring for a while began to build up and in about a span of three months they built to an uncontrollable pressure – and then they exploded.
So bad that I look at the calendar and I honestly don’t know where the time has gone.
How can it really be October? Wasn’t it just May?
The sad thing is that I know exactly what happened and I know exactly what sucked away my time an din so many ways, my life. I know exactly why Dawn of Ash is not even close to being ready. I know exactly why the year is gone and my brain is mush and I also know that I owe you guys all an apology a bit heftier than the “family reasons” or “personal responsibilities” that I have spouted before.
And I am going to try to give you that.
To the best of my ability while retaining as much privacy for myself and my children as I can.
But first lets answer some questions (and yes, they are relative) I receive about three strongly worded emails and messages a day, criticizing me for being late on Dawn of Ash, for putting something else out before the last Imdalind book and for being irresponsible with my time. First, not only are these often worded quite painfully, but they are very much not true. As I have said MONTHS ago – in fact, back in January when the Rough draft of River and Raynn was completed and I announced the publication (I think I was aiming for may at the time) I had been working on the River and Raynn project for A LONG time. It was always the back burner project and never effected the publication date of any of the Imdalind Books. It still hasn’t. LIFE did.
A life… that mysterious vessel in which we all journey through in our attempt to find happiness and joy and family and love.
Let’s just say, for simplicities sake. That I lost all of that this summer.
Circumstances in my life made it hard to write starting in about November of last year. Expectations were placed on me making it hard for me to function, to feel appreciated. I began to feel more like a writing machine than the storyteller I so prided myself in being. Words were flowing, yes, but they didn’t feel right. Then they stopped all together.
If it was writers block it was the worst kind of writers block there is. A block so bad that it took upheaving my life to get over it. It took losing everything in order to find myself again.
And that’s kind of where I am right now – putting my life back together.
I know. Not much of this is making sense.
Let’s just say it starts with a “D” and rhymes with “force” and as far as those go… It has been the most trying, heart wrenching, crippling experience of my life.
You have no idea how hard it is to explain without saying too much.
But know this, that while this year has been touch, and while my life is shambled pieces – I AM putting it back together.
One broken fragment at a time.
Now, where does this put all my writing projects.
Well, obviously, I am behind. No surprise there. When you lose everything you have a tendency to get behind. BUT despite being behind, I am also working steadily to “catch up”. And while catching up will never happen at this point, books will release, stories will continue on, and for the first time in months I am actually writing words I can be proud of. Words I love.
In a way, isn’t that all that matters?
I am a story teller. I pride myself in a good story, in well developed characters, and in weaving a tale that makes your heart swell. That’s all I want. I want to tell a story. A good one, and I want to be proud of the words I cast out into the world.
I lost that somewhere along the way, and although everything has fallen apart I am putting it back together.
I know the question everyone is asking is “WHEN WILL DAWN OF ASH BE OUT” and the simple answer is… I don’t know. I can guess. And right now I am aiming for January (please don’t lynch me) but I won’t release an official date until it is DONE. As in through the editors and with no question of its completion. I owe you guys that – exact release dates, I mean.
This year has been hard, it has hurt in more ways than you know, in more ways than I can explain. But I am a survivor, and as I survive so do my stories.
There… that sounds about right.
Confusing, but right.